A humorous look at the odder things that go on in the world written by author Mikel B. Classen. If you’re looking for something to pick up your day, this is the place to look.
Some lucky contest winner is going to get to blow up Texas Stadium. I saw that and I thought, wow, what a cool idea. Now I have to admit, that as a Green Bay Packer fan, getting the chance to blow up the former home of the Dallas Cowboys has a lot of appeal. Here’s for all the times we had to lose to you @#$%^&s. You get the idea. The City of Irving and Kraft Foods provided details Thursday of their sponsorship deal for the building’s implosion, including a national essay contest with the winner getting to pull the trigger that finishes off the iconic stadium. What kind of essays are they looking for? OHHH, I’ve been harboring a deep need to blow something up. I love your cheese and dynamite. I want to have a menage a trois with the Cowboys cheerleaders. Ooops that just slipped out. The city council unanimously approved the sponsorship deal Thursday. Of course they did. Texas should be called the “gunpowder state.” Details on the essay contest, part of Kraft’s “Cheddar Explosion” (don’t you love that?) promotional campaign, will be announced next week. So if you want to blow something up, here’s you chance. We’ll follow this a bit and see how the contest goes. Yay drunks with explosives. The winner will get to push the button in March or April.
In a true sign of the economic crunch of this year, even Santa has decided on a life of crime. Yep, you heard me right Santa. Santa robbed the Sun Trust Bank in Nashville, Tennessee, dressed in his traditional costume of a red suit, hat and beard, along with a slightly less traditional pair of sunglasses. Looking at the shades this guy is wearing in the picture, this might not have been Santa at all. It could have been a Blues Brother in disquise. Nashville, music city, they could have been rerecording the “Theme from Rawhide.”According to Metropolitan Nashville Police, the man entered the bank on Tuesday morning, and demanded money from the teller at gunpoint. Bad Santa. Santa also told the bank employees not to put dye packs in the money, or he would come back and “kill everyone”. Mean Santa. Santa a desperate killer? Somehow, I’m just not seeing the spirit of Christmas here. After the teller complied and handed over the cash, the robber left, explaining on his way out that “Santa needed to pay his elves.” Can you imagine the elf payroll. Wow. I can see where this might drive one to a life of crime. Just a few days before Christmas, can’t pay the elves, children of the world expecting results. Man, that’s serious stress. He may have to rob another bank just to pay his analyst. He then fled the scene in a car. Oh no, say it isn’t so. He hasn’t been feeding the workers reindeer has he? Although, Rudolph, slow roasted, seasoned with some sage…..
Once more, someone is claiming to have discovered Atlantis. Unfortunately, we don’t now who they are. Yes, the source has decided to remain anonymous. Instead they have released a series of blurry, grainy pictures claiming that they were taken somewhere in the Caribbean. If you look closely you can see Jack Sparrow sucking back some rum.The discoverers insist the pictures show what appear to be the ruins of a city that could pre-date Egypt’s pyramids, which appeared after 2600BC. They even told a French newspaper that one of the structures appears to be a pyramid. How come these guys always claim there’s a pyramid. OOh there’s a pyramid, it must be Atlantis. Now the anonymous group wants to raise funds to explore the secret location where the images were taken. One, the images are so bad who’d fund them for anything other than photography lessons. And two, this is the one that gets me. OK, say you want to fund these guys. You don’t know who they are so how can you? Duh. They would not reveal the exact location, however, saying only that it was somewhere in the Caribbean Sea. It sounds to me like these guys are trying to get a vacation in the Caribbean. Am I the only one who is thinking “SCAM.” Next there will be a website where you can makean anonymous donation to an anonymous group, for an expedition to somewhere. Yep, they should make millions.
I suppose that you’re wondering what the picture of the “Bobsey Twins” above have to do with this blog. Glad you asked. What would you do if you saw these two approaching you: Run, or invite these two “honeys” off to a motel room. I pick: Run but the person this story concerns, chose the latter thus casting serious doubt upon any mental faculties whatsoever. Our idiot was a 37 year-old-man from Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin. The two women lured the man to a motel in Chilton, Wisconsin and tied him to a bed. This is officially – thinking with the wrong head. The two women took revenge on the cheating lover by gluing his penis to his stomach.Forty-eight-year-old Therese Ziemann, was accused of doing the actual gluing. She pleaded no contest Monday to reduced charges of disorderly conduct and misdemeanour battery. Her sister, 43-year-old Michelle Belliveau, pleaded no contest to disorderly conduct. District attorney Ken Kratz agreed not to seek jail time for either one. I can hear the laughter in the courtroom now. “You say that they were too hot to resist. You voluntarily let them tie you to the bed? While you were tied, they glued your penis to your stomach.” “Yes your honor. I was led astray, confuddled by their womanly wiles.” Yes, these two just exude sex. A third defendant pleaded not guilty last month to false imprisonment. A false-imprisonment charge against the man’s wife was dropped earlier. His wife? I bet that was waking up to a bad day. How many women was he sleeping with? Obviously taste played no part in this. My Labrador wouldn’t follow these two. One of them looks like Ray Bolger as the Cowardly Lion in the Wizard of Oz. That’ll make you wake up screaming. Next thing, we’ll be seeing them doing a Super Glue commercial.”Want to get back at your cheating boyfriend. Super Glue is the thing for you…and a little rope. So, wrap yourself up in cellophane, meet him at a motel, and glue his penis to his stomach. Right Sis?” “I like to watch.”
A UFO was spotted in China, Deqing in Guandong Province. There were several witnesses including scientists at the Purple Mountain Observatory in Nanjing. The scientists claim to have over 40 minutes of footage that the accidentally got when they were observing the recent solar eclipse. Unfortunately they say it will take them a year to fully analyze it and by then most people will have forgotton about it. Funny how that works. The fact that the Chinese news media is touting this information means it was too widespread to suppress it. There is the usual plethora of the inevitable amatuer video clips which, when seen close up really don’t show any detail. I know, surprise.
This of course shows my case quite aptly. It looks like a flying eggroll. Maybe it’s looking for some hot mustard somewhere. How come, with all of the video and audio equipment people are roaming around with, this is the best we can get? For god’s sake, China is making most of the electronics now, you’d think these people would be better equipped. Below we present the Youtube video as it was aired in China. No, there are no subtitles.
Even the video on here is disappointing. So here’s the crux, if they DO find something on the observatory footage, it should be exceptional quality since they can pick up the detail of a hemorrhiod on a Martian, will they ever tell us? Or will they be like every other government and bury it away somewhere. Actually, they’ll probably turn out to be just as blurry. I know, the spaceships have this anti-photography shield. It’s a little like Stealth, only for cameras. Hell, by now the aliens proably have a Twitter account and a Facebook page. “You were tagged in these photos from China.” The link I took all of this from is below. Check it out for yourself, you can read the original news article and there’s even another blurry flying saucer pic to mull over.
I have to ask, how does this stuff happen? A guy fires off a Civil war cannon and a two-pound ball blows through his neighbor’s wall. First really big question, Why is this thing loaded? I live near Mackinac Island, Michigan. They have a fort there that is a huge tourist attraction and they frequently fire the cannons. I know they can be fired without the balls. When they go off it is real obvious the things work…well. William Maser, 54 of Georges Township, Pennsylvania apparently doesn’t understand that. Which brings us to the next question, why is it aimed at his neighbor? Maser claims that the cannon ball ricocheted off a rock, but that still means he was firing in the general direction of this house that ended up being blasted by this yokel. At least it wasn’t one of the balls that actually explode. Granted it’s a small consolation when a steel ball comes bouncing through your bathroom, the medicine cabinet was a casualty, but we have to find the silver linings where we can. If you follow the link below, you can read the original report and see WPXI TVs original report. It’s worth watching just for the idiot they are interviewing. I’ll never figure out why a middle aged man would think that being shirtless is the way to do a TV interview. Apparently, no one in this neighborhood is scoring real high on the IQ test. I’m thinking…Blight Law. Maser is currently being charged with reckless endangerment (Ya think?) and (I love this) mischief. Maser has apologized and says he won’t fire off his cannons any more. Personally I think they should confiscate his balls so he won’t be tempted to fire them at any more of his neighbors. http://www.wpxi.com/news/20711772/detail.html
Welcome sports fans. I’m so excited I have to keep going back and correcting my spelling. It’s official, the LFL (That’s Lingerie Football League, for those of you that are a bit behind) has announced they will be instituting a regular season starting this fall. Yes, the pay-per-view Superbowl Halftime special of Lingerie Football which has been providing an alternative to aging rockstars has decided to take their game to the next level. And what a game, women in helmets and shoulder pads and not much more. It gives a whole new meaning for padded bra. This is being billed as “True Fantasy Football.” It certainly qualifies as mine. This is full contact, tackle football, none of that wimpy touch, flag, crap. In HD you should be able to hear the smack of silicone. Whoever thought of this is an absolute genius. I’m already a fan and it hasn’t even started. I can’t wait to see them line up every week on the line of scrimmage. The running back bouncing down the field, the wide reciever going out for a long one, the tight end doing… well anything. This could redefine tailgating. There are ten teams established that will be playing across the country on fridays starting 9/04/09 at the Sears Centre, in Chicago, Illinois home of the Chicago Bliss. Wow, TGIF. That ought to heat up the end of summer and fall. Other teams are the Dallas Desire (I wonder if there’s a Debbie in there), San Diego Seduction, Denver Dream (Yea we know what kind of dream that is), Los Angeles Tempation, (How come California always gets more teams than everybody else?) and Seattle Mist (sounds like a drink). Oh yes, there will be a Lingerie Bowl. I wonder if it will be sponsored by Victoria’s Secret. Their advertising would be as good as the NFLs (actually better). You can check it out at www.lingeriebowl.com it’s worth it just for the video promos. I wonder what their halftime will be? Maybe Janet Jackson? It’s going to be hard to top the players. Just think of the endzone dances, dudes there’s a goalpost. It’s about time we got women more involved in sports. I think they should have an LFL draft. They could pick from Playboy Playmates and Penthouse Pets. I’ll volunteer as commissioner. I’m officially putting my name in right here. You don’t even have to pay me. I’ll work for beer.
Here’s a bright idea. Let’s give the President, Obama currently, the power to just randomly shut down the internet. I can’t imagine this one not being abused. Yes, if Senate Bills #s 773 and 778 have their way introduced by Jay Rockefeller and co-sponsored by Olympia Snowe, the President will get the power to shut off the internet to stop the flow of information within the U.S. whenever he deems it an appropriate cyber emergency. It also will provide immediate information to the Secretary of Commerce on all privately owned networks deemed to be critical to the nation’s infrastructure “without regard to any provision of law, regulation, rule, or policy restricting such access.” We’re talking major privacy invasion issues here, not to mention wadding up the constitution and throwing it in the trash. The problem is that nowhere do these bills define what circumstances are appropriate and does not define what a cyber emergency is. I’ve embedded a video below which explains this insanity further…and better. This has bipartisan sponsorship which means this actually could have a chance of passing. For those of us that blog and are primary to this information flow, this is a direct attack AND SHOULD BE OF PRIMARY CONCERN.
I don’t know why we keep fooling around with stuff we just shouldn’t be messing with. Take this project to fire lasers to recreate a miniature sun on the surface of the earth. I’m not a scientist but it seems like a no-brainer to me that this is a BAD IDEA! I suspect there’s a reason that the sun is 93 million miles away. This project should be as well. Apparently these people have never seen Spiderman 2 where Doc Ock basically tries the same thing only with disasterous results. Guys, if you screw up Spiderman isn’t going to be there to save you. “The National Ignition Facility has already test-fired all 192 giant lasers at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory in California as a part of this concept. The lasers will eventually focus their power on compressing and heating a single, pea-sized fuel capsule to more than 180 million degrees Fahrenheit in order to trigger thermonuclear fusion. Just 150 micrograms of deuterium and tritium, or less than one-millionth of a pound, can serve as the fuel for the NIF experiment. But containing the high-temperature plasma from a fusion reaction represents a special challenge: temperatures of 180 million degrees F and up would melt any known substance.” Challenge? Melt any known substance! Does that include the containment unit? How about the planet itself? Tritium, Isn’t that the same substance Doc Ock was after? “The rapid, intense heating from the lasers makes the outer layer of the tiny fuel capsule explode outward, and that compresses the remaining fuel inward and helps trigger the fusion reaction. Fusion burn consumes the cooler, outer regions of the capsule faster than the capsule can expand, which contains the resulting reaction.” You hope. Seems to me the key word here is Explode! This could give a whole new meaning to global warming. What if your little sun decides to go nova? Seems to me I read somewhere that our atmoshere is flamable. I think there’s a reason that stars function so well in the vacuum of space. I thought scientists were suppossed to be smart. I repeat…..BAD IDEA!!!!!
The Thunder God announced today that he is sueing Torvald Alexander for defamation of character. Of course I’m only kidding, the Thunder God Thor isn’t really sueing, even though he probably should. Torvald Alexander of Edinburgh, Scotland is a fan of Marvel Comics’ “Mighty Thor. So much so that he decided to create his own costume and go out on NewYear’s Eve dressed like him, or Alexander’s version of what Thor looks like. Most of the costume consists of tinfoil. Yeah, you heard me right, tinfoil. Apparently, upon arrival home that night, Torvald’s house was being victimized by a burglar. Dressed as Thor, he charged at the thief and the thief jumped out a nearby window and ran, frightened by Thor/Torvald’s appearance. It would have frightened me too, this screaming, flashing, foily thing running at me yelling “Verily, ye shall I smite.” Mr Alexander, 39, said: “As soon as he saw me his eyes went wide with terror. He looked like he had had a few drinks and decided to do a late night break in, but he hadn’t counted on the God of Thunder living here.” He added: “I had just got back from a fancy dress New Year’s party (This is the first time I ever heard of tinfoil as fancy dress) and because I have a Norwegian name I decided to go as Thor. It took ages making the cape, helmet and breast plate, and I must admit it was a bit chilly walking home (Yep, wrap yourself up in metal in the middle of winter), but when I saw that guy I just went mad and charged at him, my cape flying behind me. He probably would not have expected to meet a strong builder, especially dressed in tinfoil and silver.” No I would expect not. The house-breaker did not steal anything but left behind his shoes and the garden fork he used to break in. Garden fork? He landed on a pitched roof outside the window which broke his fall, and made his escape. Bare foot? That costume inspired some kind of fear. Which brings me to my main point. Isn’t the greater crime here, that Torvald appeared in public wearing little more than some wrapped tinfoil. I haven’t seen that much foil since the Roswell alien festival. I wonder if you turn him the right direction, can he pick up radio stations. I really hate to think what he was using for Thor’s hammer: Mjollnir. He’s lucky it wasn’t raining, he’d have been a perfect target for one of Thor’s thunderbolts. It’s not much of a mystery why he came home alone. Well, at least we know who won’t be in the running for the casting of the new Thor movie…I hope.
