BRITAIN INVESTIGATING RASH OF UFO VISITS

Over the last month of so there have been a rash of UFO sightings in Britain including a couple of pursuits. I have to admit that’s probably not the way to say hello. The flurry of UFO sightings have led to calls for the British Ministry of Defence to launch an official inquiry. UFO experts believe the incidents, which happened in Shropshire, south Wales and Worcestershire earlier this month, are “particularly significant” because they included observations made by the crew of a police helicopter and military personnel. The chopper even gave chase for a while, but you have to figure, if a jet can’t catch them a helicopter doesn’t stand much of a chnce. The MoD confirmed that it had been handed footage captured on a mobile phone by a corporal on guard duty at Tern Hill barracks, near Market Drayton, Shropshire, on June 7. Corporal Mark Proctor told The Sun he witnessed a “fleet” of objects zig-zagging across the sky at about 11pm. The 38-year-old soldier, a member of the 1st Battalion Irish Regiment, said: “I was on duty in the guard room when the other boys outside began shouting. I went out to see what the commotion was about and could see 13 craft in the skies. They were like rotating cubes with multiple colours.” Well, at least it isn’t the typical “flying saucer” sighting. It’s original anyway. Former MoD UFO expert Nick Pope said that an inquiry to establish what had been seen by the witnesses was vital. Mr Pope said: “Something quite extraordinary does seem to be going on in British air space at the moment. There has got to be an official inquiry into all this and we need a senior air force officer to take personal charge and oversee the inquiry.” He sounds like someone who is finally taking these sightings seriously. Radar tapes, as well as footage of the incidents, should be examined as part of the investigation, said Mr Pope, who added: “It’s indisputable that something was seen. The very fact that it was seen by military personnel over a military base makes it a national security incident.” I have to admit, that I can understand his point, but if they were going to be hostile, that base would probably look like the one in the movie Independence Day. Of course, not everyone is convinced this is an issue. An Army spokesman declined to comment in detail on the sightings at Tern Hill. “The MoD examines reports solely to establish whether UK airspace may have been compromised by hostile or unauthorised military activity,” the spokesman said. “Unless there is evidence of a potential threat, there is no attempt to identify the nature of each sighting reported.” Well, Britain is a nice place to visit. Maybe their tourism has just taken an interstellar jump. Word is getting around that the countryside is nice this time of year, and you never know, they might give a quick chase, blow some of the carbon out of those hyper-drives. Maybe they need to promote those walking tours a little more.

NETTLE EATING CONTEST HELD IN BRITAIN

This is not my idea of a good time. You sometimes have to wonder what possesses people to do things they do. Take this for example: The Nettle Eating Championships, held in Marshwood, Dorset, England last Saturday. There were 67 competitors, some from as far afield as Australia and Canada, took on the task of eating as many nettles as they could in an hour. Let’s see, I’m going to abuse myself swallowing stinging nettles, raw, uncooked and unwashed. Yuck. Who thinks of these things? I know it was another of those ridiculous things that started out as a bet in a pub. “Bet you a beer you won’t eat those nettles.” Each of the contestants are presented with two-foot -long bunches of fresh Urtica diocia (the common stinging nettle)  along with their natural accompaniments such as caterpillars, slugs and beetles. Great. The nettles are bad enough, but the insects too. What do you do to train for this, swallow pins? Thankfully beer and other beverages are provided to help wash down the nasty combination. Actually I’d need a lot of beer before hand as well. I can’t see even thinking about doing this sober. Tactics revolved around the classic “one mouthful at a time” technique, and rolling the leaves into tight balls to minimize the stinging. I guess you have to so something to get past the gag reflex. Judges were on the lookout for any cheating, such as hiding uneaten leaves under the table, or using mouth-numbing agents such as chili to cover the taste. How about several shots of novacaine before hand. But eventually, reigning champion Paul Collins, a 28-year-old graphic designer from Seaton in Devon, England, emerged triumphant once more. “Look mom I’m the reigning nettle eating champion.” There’s a real claim to fame. His winning total of 64 feet of nettles was an improvement on his previous winning total, but still fell short of the world record, which stands at 76 feet. Local experts predicted that due to the wet spring weather, the nettle leaves would be too lush for the record to be under threat this year. There are experts? I suppose that means extra slugs as well. But Collins has his sights on raising the bar next time round, saying: “I want to get the World record to be honest, which is ten foot more than this year and that is hard work. So yeah, I’ll probably be back next year.” I guess it’s good to have goals even if they are stupid ones. It’s hasn’t been publicized whether he vomited immediately after. Do nettles give you gas?

IAN USHER SELLS HIS LIFE ON EBAY

Ever really hated your life and wanted to start over? Maybe just chuck it all and get on a plane to where ever it was going? Well, Ian Usher of  Perth Australia is doing just that. He’s selling his life and has it listed as an Ebay auction. It is going on right now. About a year ago, Ian and his wife broke up and he has had a hard time with it. We can all understand that. Actually, you can get all the gory details of this relationship disaster for a fee at this website alife4sale.com. Divorces are hard and you accumulate a lot of things during a relationship. “Everything that I have, the furniture in the house, all has memories attached to it. It’s time to shed the old and in with the new.”  So, step right up folks it’s all for sale in one lump. You can get everything. The auction items include: his three-bedroom home in Perth, western Australia, its contents, his car, motorcycle, jet ski and parachuting gear. And that’s not all! As an extra bonus, you get a job and an introduction to Ian’s friends. Apparently they need some new blood for his drinking buddies. Cool huh?  The job is as a shop assistant at a rug store. You’re all set up. Joy Jones, who co-owns the rug shop, said: “When Ian came up with this idea we thought, why not give it a go?”  What the heck. Now you know who’s your new boss. So what does Ian plan to do with his new life? He said: “My current thoughts are to head to the airport and ask where the next flight with an available seat goes to, get on that and see where life takes me from there.” So what am I bid for Ian’s entire life. What’s it worth. Maybe we’re finally answering the eternal question, what’s a person’s life really worth? To find the answer go to Ian’s website, You can register to bid there as well, and throw a few thousand down for you own chance at Ian’s life. Look at the bright side, his ex isn’t included in the deal. Maybe you’ll have better luck. Good luck and happy bidding. When the auction ends Sunday, Ian says he will depart his life, live online. We’ll see how that’s going to go down.

http://www.alife4sale.com  

TERRORIST THEMED RESTAURANT IS A BIG HIT

Terrorism is something that most of us don’t look at as entertainment. Blowing stuff up randomly just has never seemed like my idea of a good time, but then again, it’s the premise of any Die Hard, or Terminator movie. Personally I like those. Heck, Clint Eastwood made a career out of little cigars and sticks of dynamite. So, maybe a restaurant dedicated to terrorism could work? Well a business man in Beirut is giving it a shot. The place features sandwiches, fries and guns. The brilliantly titled Buns and Guns offers a range of dishes to the sound of recorded gunfire. In Beirut, that’s like traffic noise to us. The restaurant is decked with military camoflage netting, fake guns and ammunition. Items on the menu include ‘rocket propelled grenade’, otherwise known as chicken on a skewer, and ‘terrorist bread’. Other meals include the Kalashnikov and the B52. I can hear the employees now: “Lock and load a Kalashnikov, hold the onion.” Owner Yousef Ibrahim told Hezbollah’s al-Manar television station: “They accuse us of terrorism, so let’s serve terrorist bread, why not? My goal was to make people laugh before they ask me, why weapons? The important thing is that they laugh.” Yea I bet it is. You don’t want to become a target of your own theme. Admittedly, giving an interview to the Hezbollah’s TV station was probably a smart move so that they actually know what you’re up to and hopefully they have a sense of humor. It might put a damper on the clientele to have a careening car of dynamite heading for the cash register. “It attracts customers in an unconventional way,” continues Yousef, “The moment I opened the restaurant, there was a lot of business.” The restaurant, which has the motto ‘A sandwich can kill you’, doctors have been telling us that for years, is located in an area where Hezbollah is popular. Well, it’s good to reach out with something familiar for your customers. I wonder if they give away plastic miniature AK 47s and Ouzis with their kids meals?  This gives a whole new meaning to the stomach bomb. “Hey waiter there’s a cartridge in my soup?”

GIANT PENIS MAN IS GATHERING MOSS, NEEDS MORE SHEEP

He stands tall and proud, fully erect for at least four hundred years. Wow, that’s a long time. That’s even before Viagra. The giant Penis Man, also known as the Cerne Abbas Giant in Dorset, England is beginning to fade away. Due to an exceptionally wet start to the year and a lack of sheep, yes I said sheep, the 180 ft high landmark of a fully erect giant carrying a club is disappearing. It seems the giant has contracted a case of excessive moss and lichen growth which usually wandering flocks of sheep keep under control. Rob Rhodes, National Trust head warden for west Dorset, said: “Every year we have sheep on the hillside eating the grass to keep the giant visible. “We rely on local farmers and the way agriculture is going at the moment, there’s hardly any sheep left in that part of Dorset.” He added: “Because of the wet weather, there’s a lot of moss and lichen growing on the giant which has made the white chalk a greeny colour.” Well, that’s nasty to have growing around the testicles. The Trust is hoping to get a flock of sheep on the hillside as soon as possible. It usually borrows around 100 sheep for a few weeks in May and September to graze on the vegetation and keep the giant in shape. Doesn’t that mean that he then covered in sheep droppings? Walking to this ancient monument may not be pleasant. Mr Rhodes added: “The grass is now pretty much smothering the whole of the giant. He is not completely invisible but he is quite overgrown.”  Maybe some volunteers and a lawn mower might be a help. The first record of the sexually aroused giant, also called the Rude Man, is in 1694 and is a historically registered monument. No one knows how old he is and most believe he is an ancient symbol of fertility. It doesn’t take a scholar to figure that one out. He is rechalked every ten years and he is due for another this fall. Why wait? Screw the sheep and get out there and do something about it. Don’t want to interrupt your precious schedule?  Get some people and get out there and take care of business. 20 people, an afternoon, some beer and some munchies, shiny clean Penis Man. And no sheep dung. Trust me, your tourists will be much happier. Your Penis Man will stand erect and tall for all to see.

ENEMA MONUMENT RAISED IN RUSSIA

There are many things in the world that we could raise monuments to but the Enema? Yes, those wacky Russians are at it again by creating a 363-kilogram bronze syringe bulb held by three angels honoring the enema. It was unveiled Wednesday at the Mashuk-Akva Term spa in the Caucasus Mountains community of Zheleznovodsk. Spa director Alexander Kharchenko says there is “no kitsch or obscenity” involved. How about disgusting. Don’t these people have sports stars or something else they could immortalize in a monument? He calls the monument a “successful work of art” that pays tribute to what is “almost a symbol of our region.” You couldn’t have picked an animal or something to symbolize the neighborhood? An enima bulb? The area is known for dozens of spas where enemas with water from mineral springs are routinely administered to treat digestive and other complaints. OK, fine what you do in your spare time is your business, but I’m never eating there. A banner declaring: “Let’s beat constipation and sloppiness with enemas,” an allusion to a line from “The Twelve Chairs,” a famous Soviet film comedy, was posted on one of the spa’s walls. I thought enemas created a kind of sloppiness that most of us would rather not have to deal with. Now, get this, they paid $42,000 for this little bronze syringe with angels. That’s one artist that’s laughing all the way to the bank. Sculptor Svetlana Avakina said she designed the 1.52-metre-high monument with “irony and humour” and modelled the angels on those in works by Italian Renaissance painter Alessandro Botticelli. “This device is eternal, it will never change,” she said. “We could promote this brand, turn it into a franchise with souvenirs and awards for medical doctors.” There’s nothing like a little local promotion. I can see it now, “I went to Russia and all I got was this enema syringe” souvenirs. There’s nothing like stopping by for a personal lube job. “Hey, bend over, time to get your oil changed.”  The only award I want to give these medical doctors is the Quack award. Russian spas are off my list!

LATEST CROP CIRCLES EQUAL PI

The newest crop of crop circles seem to be sending a message. This one is apparently from a math major. I have to admit this one took some work. It is very intricate and beautiful. The photo can be found on this page. Many have said that if extraterrestrials are trying to contact us, they would use math because it is a universal language. The circle, found near Barbury Castle, Wiltshire, England, in a barley field is approximately 150 feet in diameter. This would have taken a lot of work to get this done in one night. The complex pattern represents the first ten digits of  Pi: 3.141592654. Astrophysicist Mike Reed has said: “I noticed a photo of the Barbury Castle pattern. It shows a coded image representing the first ten digits of Pi – the ratio of the circumference of a circle to the diameter. The tenth digit has even been correctly rounded up. The little dot near the centre is the decimal point. The code is based on ten angular segments, with the radial jumps being the indicator of each segment,” OK, slow down. What does all that mean? I’ve had ex-wives that were less confusing. You turn a scientist loose and you can’t get them to make sense. Or maybe it’s too much sense for me to wrap my non-physics educated mind to wrap around. The point here, which has suddenly been lost in translation, is that someone has turned this mass of circles into a mathematical equation. The mathematical equation is Pi, which is the formula for finding the circumference of a circle which is being given to us by a series of circles even though we already know all this. What use is that? My head hurts. I need aspirin. This is worse than when my math teacher used to give me story problems. I hated those. They made my head hurt too. I’m going to go lie down now.

WIDE WORLD OF NEARLY NAKED SPORTS

Yes, this is your commentator and today we’re gathered to watch a grudge match between Austria and Germany. The players are coming onto the soccer field now. All the women players are wearing nothing but a thong. Yes, this should definitely be a match worth watching. The women are bouncing out on to the field and getting set. The referee blows his whistle and the game begins. How come we never get this kind of stuff on Fox Sports Net. In Vienna, Austria a game was held just as I described above. It was an added event before the big game between Germany and Austria. Austria drew first blood on Sunday when their topless women’s soccer team beat Germany 10-5. The traditional swapping of shirts afterwards was not an option as the six-a-side teams wore nothing but thongs, with the national colors painted on to their bare skin. Body paint, I like it. We need these kinds of sports in America. B-Ball fans would love having a Hooters team play before the Lakers – Celtics playoff game. Keep in mind, these women are real athletes. They’re trying to be morale boosters for the main event. Hey, my morale is boosted. “I hope our men will take heart from that tomorrow. We played pretty hard, we even had some injuries, like I for example broke my toe nail,” said 29-year-old bank employee Doris Fastenmeir. Now that’s dedication. “I was supposed to hold the balls but I really have no idea how to do that,” said German keeper Jana Bach. Think about it Jana, it’ll come to you. “Maybe it is because I am not all that much into soccer. I am more into shoes to be honest.” You see, real athletes. Go out there, give a good try and then go shopping.  Actually, they went to a party along the Danube afterwards. Rough way to go. What do spectators think of all this? “They might have to work on their technique a bit but it was definitely a rather pleasant game to watch and a very nice version of the ‘beautiful game’,” said Rolf Hansen from Berlin. I’ll bet it was Rolf. Wish I’d have been there. Heck, sign me up for season tickets and I don’t actually care about Soccer. There’s nothing like some balls, a big field, (OK, it’s actually a beach,) nearly naked women and a few stiff cocktails to perk up an afternoon. Now that’s sports!

 

TO CHECK OUT PICS AND VIDEO OF THIS DELIGHTFUL EVENT, GO HERE: http://www.euro2008unleashed.com/topless-painted-girls-play-soccer-in-austria-vs-germany-prematch/ 

http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSN16224920080616?feedType=RSS&feedName=oddlyEnoughNews

WHAT IF YOU HELD AN ELECTION AND NO ONE CAME?

They say in America people take voting for granted. Well, in Pillsbury, North Dakota, they held an election and no on came. Not one single vote, including the candidates themselves! “Everybody has got a job and they’re busy,” the current Mayor of Pillsbury, Darrel Brudevold said. “It just worked out that nobody seemed to go down there to the polls.”  Too busy to vote. Come on, have we fallen that far in America? OK, what do you do now? Do you win by default or do you lose by default?  Brudevold said he intended to vote, but that he had crops to tend. He said he assumed at least one person would show up to vote. See what assuming gets you, nada. But since no one did, Brudevold said he’ll ask state election officials what to do next. Yea I bet you will. How do you explain that. “Uh we tried to have an election and no one voted, Do I win?” Dude you didn’t even vote for yourself. Brudevold, who has been mayor for a dozen years and was an alderman before that, said he doesn’t think the current five-member body will change. You mean you’re hoping it doesn’t change. Brudevold’s wife, Ruth, runs the beauty shop and is the town’s postmaster. She said she was too busy with work to make it to the polls. Whatever happened to that middle America vote or die attitude. Do you folks sleep through the Fourth of July? Barnes County Auditor Ed McGough said those in office can stay there and appoint people, including themselves, to the jobs until the next election. There’s democracy in action. That’s so much easier when you’re not busy. “I presume things will stay the same,” Brudevold said. “We’re just a little village, and when you’re elected to one of those jobs, well, once you get it, you got it. The only time we really get people to show up is when we want to raise taxes – then everybody shows up.” Maybe they should have had a tax proposal on this one. They need to change the name of this town to Apathyville. The town where too busy is more important than the right to vote.

PORN TRIAL JUDGE HAS PORN ON PERSONAL WEBSITE

Judge Alex Kozinski, chief judge of the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals, seems to really enjoy his latest assignment, a beastiality porn trial. So much so he has some of those kinds of images on his own website. This is one judge I wouldn’t interrupt when he’s in his chambers. Kinky dude. He was overseeing an obscenity trial when a newspaper reported he had sexually explicit photos and videos on his own site. The Los Angeles Times reported that the site contained explicit material – including a picture of naked women on all fours, painted like cows, and a video of a half-naked man frolicking with a sexually aroused farm animal. Ok, we’ve moved from kinky to the realm of weird. I’m not sure who should be on trial here. The defendant in the case, shock video producer Ira Isaacs, 57, is accused of violating obscenity laws by selling movies depicting bestiality and fetishes involving feces and urination. The movies involved included films such as Gang Bang Horse, Pony Sex Game, Hollywood Scat Amateurs No. 7, and Laurie’s Toilet Show. Such creative titles. This guy’s an artistic genius. That was sarcasm for those that don’t recognize it.  “I see myself as a shock artist that has sex in some of the films,” Isaacs said in an interview  “People don’t buy my videos because they want to watch people having sex. Regular porn does that. I need to convince people that mine is serious art.” Good luck with that. It didn’t work with me. The trial had already drawn attention because of the shocking nature of the videos in question, which the jury were required to watch. They have my sympathy. Judge Kozinski said he had thought the images on his site were not viewable by the public, and that he’d stored them their for private use and to share with a few friends. What kind of friends does he have? There’s more like him out there? He knows them? Are they a cult we should know about? He didn’t believe any of the images were obscene, the L.A. Times reported, but thought that a few of the pictures were ‘funny’. Humor, OK thanks for defining that for me. Doesn’t that constitute a judgement on the case?  “Is it prurient? I don’t know what to tell you,” he told the newspaper. “I think it’s odd and interesting. It’s part of life.” OK, I’ve been around. I even grew up on a farm. This was not a part of our life. Although there was a guy down the road… This judge needs to seek counseling and I don’t mean the legal kind. The trial was suspended due to overwhelming weirdness and the judge was obviously enjoying this way too much. We won’t even get into the conflict of interest issues here. The court reporter was probably bringing him cocktails and a goat during court recess. Creepy.

http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=173403&in_page_id=2