Online auctions just keep getting stranger and stranger. People seem to be getting more bizarre about what they sell online all the time. One guy sells his wife, another auctions his life, now we have a New Zealand man putting up his soul to the highest bidder. I thought you were just supposed to meet up with the devil at a crossroads or in the dead of night for that kind of transaction. Walter Scott is selling his soul online. He’s not to be confused with the 17^th century writer Sir Walter Scott, the soul’s not that cool, but he does say that it is a “merry old soul” and not a “funk soul brother” though he would like to think there is a little funk in there somewhere. Scott said he had been thinking about selling his soul for ages. “I can’t see it, touch it or feel it, but I can sell it, so I’m going to palm it off to the highest bidder,” he said. It was in “pretty good nick” except for a rough patch six years ago when he reached the legal drinking age, he said. Hmm, a few miles on it, but overall, in reasonable condition. The thing I wonder about is what do you do with a soul after you get it. Do you become a “soul collector?” Is one soul better than another and when you buy the soul is it truly a binding contract? Advice from a lawyer was that the winning bidder would not be entitled to anything but Scott’s soul and would not be able to own or control him in any way, he said. The successful bidder will receive a framed deed of “soul ownership,” Scott said. I wonder if it will be signed in blood? TradeMe, which is the website hosting the auction, business manager Michael O’Donnell said the auction complied with the site’s rules because a physical object, the deed of ownership, would change hands. Well at least you have the paperwork when all is said and done.”I think he has entered into the spirit of the online community and he’s also responded to our request to have a physical thing for sale and he’s put together a nice looking deed for ownership,” O’Donnell said. Admittedly it’s something you could brag about to your friends down at the pub. “Hey I just bought this crazy guy’s soul on the internet.”  “Wow, how much did you have to give for that?” “Just a couple of hundred.” “Does it come with a four-speed?” “No, but they do come in black.” I just can’t see doing something like this. I’ve worked hard on my soul. It’s definately been a bit used and abused but still it’s mine and I intend to keep it. I just can’t see someone else having the paperwork on it. 

Alien people, alien canines, alien children, alien rock bands, alien hunters, were all in attendance at the annual Roswell, New Mexico, UFO Festival 2008. Heck I wouldn’t have been surprised to see Sigourney Weaver and a couple of Jedis walking around. The only thing missing was the real aliens and I’m sure that if they would have turned up, I don’t think anyone would have noticed. They would have blended right in. This gathering, which celebrates and calls attention to the Roswell UFO crash mystery and is held on the anniversary of the crash (it was convenient that the aliens crashed near the 4^th of July), brings UFO enthusiasts from all over into the community for some fun and some seriousness as well. UFO sightings are running rampant lately and there has never been more visual evidence available. Since the popularity of video on cellphones and video cameras, digital cameras, virtually everyone has them at their fingertips, so whenever someone sees something weird, UFO or not, it is getting recorded.  Certainly the prime purpose of all of this is to have fun, and yet there is an undercurrent of seriousness laced with cover-ups and government disinformation. It makes for a strange mix. The attendance was up over 25% for a total of 7216 registered alien enthusiasts. That’s big business for a little town like Roswell especially considering the high price of travel right now. Appearances by celebrity guests Dee Wallace Stone, known for her role in “E.T.,” and Keir Duella, who played the lead role in “2001: A Space Odyssey,” proved to be the biggest hits during the festival. Top researchers and authors presented their work and offered serious lectures on the possibility of extraterrestrial life, as has come to be expected. Between all that there was entertainment, including a band that claims an alien drummer, of course a showing of the movie Roswell, and alien look alike contests including one for dogs. I didn’t know there were alien dogs. The CBS Early Show even showed up and got in on the act, must have been a slow news week. Now if they could only get a spaceship to land.

SOME LINKS SO YOU CAN CHECK OUT THE FUN:

http://www.roswellufofestival.com/

http://www.roswell-record.com/main.asp?SectionID=69&TM=8437.657

http://www.uforoswell.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=36&Itemid=46

Niagara Falls is famous for idiots trying to go over the Falls inside of a barrel. It’s not something I would try even in a drunken bet. Well this new stunt, which in my opinion is just as stupid, ranks right alongside the rest of the Niagara craziness. With just his hands to slow him down, daredevil Dean Sullivan jumped face-first off the Skylon Tower, attached to only a rope and landed safely 520 feet to the ground below as hundreds of spectators cheered the fact that he didn’t go splat and make a huge mess on the pavement. The jump, which took place with no mechanical safety devices, occurred around noon so that he was assured a maximum crowd to nauseate if he screwed up. “You have to be pretty courageous to do something like that. I would never be able to do it,” said Morgan Potts, who watched the jump with her friend Erika Helder. Maybe you’ve got more sense than he does. Where anyone gets courageous out of this baffling, brain dead maybe. “He must be pretty proud of himself, I know I would be,” added Helder. “We thought it would be pretty cool to come and see it, and it was.” I don’t know about proud but definitely relieved he’s alive. What Sullivan does is basically rappelling, but the main difference is he comes down face-first, essentially, bass ackwards. While Sullivan has performed this type of a stunt for many years, his performance on Monday was the first time he has been able to do it legally. In 2002 and 2007, he did jumps near Niagara Falls, where he had to flee immediately after in order to avoid getting caught and receiving hefty fines. Niagara Falls city councillor Wayne Thomson, who is chairman of the Daredevil Days Committee, said that after people visit the Falls the one thing that fascinates them the most has been our daredevils. There’s nothing like honoring the village idiots. “That’s what people want to see and do,” said Thomson, who has been an avid supporter of these types of events because they help bring visitors to our city and stimulate the economy. Yea it’s like going to a race just hoping to see a wreck. Ryan Kerwin, a visitor from Prince Edward Island, said he had no idea the stunt was going to take place and found out about it while taking a tour. “I thought he was a little bit nuts, but quite entertaining. He seemed prepared for it and I was actually a little shocked when I saw him go over the side. He went over fairly quickly so it caught me a little bit off guard.” Kerwin said this will definitely be one of the highlights of their trip and something they will be taking about when they return home and see their friends. Yep it would definitely be something to retell over a few cocktails.Sullivan’s next big event will take place on Aug. 16 at Daredevils Days on Queen Street in downtown Niagara Falls. He will attempt to break a world record by jumping 1,000 feet from a Niagara Helicopter, face first. He’s just determined to end up as a smear on the pavement. Well, we know one thing, if he makes a mistake, it’ll be his last.

This is a video of the jump. Bear with it as there is some scenery shots of Niagara Falls in the beginning, but it does get to the actual stunt.

Over the last month of so there have been a rash of UFO sightings in Britain including a couple of pursuits. I have to admit that’s probably not the way to say hello. The flurry of UFO sightings have led to calls for the British Ministry of Defence to launch an official inquiry. UFO experts believe the incidents, which happened in Shropshire, south Wales and Worcestershire earlier this month, are “particularly significant” because they included observations made by the crew of a police helicopter and military personnel. The chopper even gave chase for a while, but you have to figure, if a jet can’t catch them a helicopter doesn’t stand much of a chnce. The MoD confirmed that it had been handed footage captured on a mobile phone by a corporal on guard duty at Tern Hill barracks, near Market Drayton, Shropshire, on June 7. Corporal Mark Proctor told The Sun he witnessed a “fleet” of objects zig-zagging across the sky at about 11pm. The 38-year-old soldier, a member of the 1st Battalion Irish Regiment, said: “I was on duty in the guard room when the other boys outside began shouting. I went out to see what the commotion was about and could see 13 craft in the skies. They were like rotating cubes with multiple colours.” Well, at least it isn’t the typical “flying saucer” sighting. It’s original anyway. Former MoD UFO expert Nick Pope said that an inquiry to establish what had been seen by the witnesses was vital. Mr Pope said: “Something quite extraordinary does seem to be going on in British air space at the moment. There has got to be an official inquiry into all this and we need a senior air force officer to take personal charge and oversee the inquiry.” He sounds like someone who is finally taking these sightings seriously. Radar tapes, as well as footage of the incidents, should be examined as part of the investigation, said Mr Pope, who added: “It’s indisputable that something was seen. The very fact that it was seen by military personnel over a military base makes it a national security incident.” I have to admit, that I can understand his point, but if they were going to be hostile, that base would probably look like the one in the movie Independence Day. Of course, not everyone is convinced this is an issue. An Army spokesman declined to comment in detail on the sightings at Tern Hill. “The MoD examines reports solely to establish whether UK airspace may have been compromised by hostile or unauthorised military activity,” the spokesman said. “Unless there is evidence of a potential threat, there is no attempt to identify the nature of each sighting reported.” Well, Britain is a nice place to visit. Maybe their tourism has just taken an interstellar jump. Word is getting around that the countryside is nice this time of year, and you never know, they might give a quick chase, blow some of the carbon out of those hyper-drives. Maybe they need to promote those walking tours a little more.

This is not my idea of a good time. You sometimes have to wonder what possesses people to do things they do. Take this for example: The Nettle Eating Championships, held in Marshwood, Dorset, England last Saturday. There were 67 competitors, some from as far afield as Australia and Canada, took on the task of eating as many nettles as they could in an hour. Let’s see, I’m going to abuse myself swallowing stinging nettles, raw, uncooked and unwashed. Yuck. Who thinks of these things? I know it was another of those ridiculous things that started out as a bet in a pub. “Bet you a beer you won’t eat those nettles.” Each of the contestants are presented with two-foot -long bunches of fresh Urtica diocia (the common stinging nettle)  along with their natural accompaniments such as caterpillars, slugs and beetles. Great. The nettles are bad enough, but the insects too. What do you do to train for this, swallow pins? Thankfully beer and other beverages are provided to help wash down the nasty combination. Actually I’d need a lot of beer before hand as well. I can’t see even thinking about doing this sober. Tactics revolved around the classic “one mouthful at a time” technique, and rolling the leaves into tight balls to minimize the stinging. I guess you have to so something to get past the gag reflex. Judges were on the lookout for any cheating, such as hiding uneaten leaves under the table, or using mouth-numbing agents such as chili to cover the taste. How about several shots of novacaine before hand. But eventually, reigning champion Paul Collins, a 28-year-old graphic designer from Seaton in Devon, England, emerged triumphant once more. “Look mom I’m the reigning nettle eating champion.” There’s a real claim to fame. His winning total of 64 feet of nettles was an improvement on his previous winning total, but still fell short of the world record, which stands at 76 feet. Local experts predicted that due to the wet spring weather, the nettle leaves would be too lush for the record to be under threat this year. There are experts? I suppose that means extra slugs as well. But Collins has his sights on raising the bar next time round, saying: “I want to get the World record to be honest, which is ten foot more than this year and that is hard work. So yeah, I’ll probably be back next year.” I guess it’s good to have goals even if they are stupid ones. It’s hasn’t been publicized whether he vomited immediately after. Do nettles give you gas?

Ever really hated your life and wanted to start over? Maybe just chuck it all and get on a plane to where ever it was going? Well, Ian Usher of  Perth Australia is doing just that. He’s selling his life and has it listed as an Ebay auction. It is going on right now. About a year ago, Ian and his wife broke up and he has had a hard time with it. We can all understand that. Actually, you can get all the gory details of this relationship disaster for a fee at this website alife4sale.com. Divorces are hard and you accumulate a lot of things during a relationship. “Everything that I have, the furniture in the house, all has memories attached to it. It’s time to shed the old and in with the new.”  So, step right up folks it’s all for sale in one lump. You can get everything. The auction items include: his three-bedroom home in Perth, western Australia, its contents, his car, motorcycle, jet ski and parachuting gear. And that’s not all! As an extra bonus, you get a job and an introduction to Ian’s friends. Apparently they need some new blood for his drinking buddies. Cool huh?  The job is as a shop assistant at a rug store. You’re all set up. Joy Jones, who co-owns the rug shop, said: “When Ian came up with this idea we thought, why not give it a go?”  What the heck. Now you know who’s your new boss. So what does Ian plan to do with his new life? He said: “My current thoughts are to head to the airport and ask where the next flight with an available seat goes to, get on that and see where life takes me from there.” So what am I bid for Ian’s entire life. What’s it worth. Maybe we’re finally answering the eternal question, what’s a person’s life really worth? To find the answer go to Ian’s website, You can register to bid there as well, and throw a few thousand down for you own chance at Ian’s life. Look at the bright side, his ex isn’t included in the deal. Maybe you’ll have better luck. Good luck and happy bidding. When the auction ends Sunday, Ian says he will depart his life, live online. We’ll see how that’s going to go down.

http://www.alife4sale.com  

Terrorism is something that most of us don’t look at as entertainment. Blowing stuff up randomly just has never seemed like my idea of a good time, but then again, it’s the premise of any Die Hard, or Terminator movie. Personally I like those. Heck, Clint Eastwood made a career out of little cigars and sticks of dynamite. So, maybe a restaurant dedicated to terrorism could work? Well a business man in Beirut is giving it a shot. The place features sandwiches, fries and guns. The brilliantly titled Buns and Guns offers a range of dishes to the sound of recorded gunfire. In Beirut, that’s like traffic noise to us. The restaurant is decked with military camoflage netting, fake guns and ammunition. Items on the menu include ‘rocket propelled grenade’, otherwise known as chicken on a skewer, and ‘terrorist bread’. Other meals include the Kalashnikov and the B52. I can hear the employees now: “Lock and load a Kalashnikov, hold the onion.” Owner Yousef Ibrahim told Hezbollah’s al-Manar television station: “They accuse us of terrorism, so let’s serve terrorist bread, why not? My goal was to make people laugh before they ask me, why weapons? The important thing is that they laugh.” Yea I bet it is. You don’t want to become a target of your own theme. Admittedly, giving an interview to the Hezbollah’s TV station was probably a smart move so that they actually know what you’re up to and hopefully they have a sense of humor. It might put a damper on the clientele to have a careening car of dynamite heading for the cash register. “It attracts customers in an unconventional way,” continues Yousef, “The moment I opened the restaurant, there was a lot of business.” The restaurant, which has the motto ‘A sandwich can kill you’, doctors have been telling us that for years, is located in an area where Hezbollah is popular. Well, it’s good to reach out with something familiar for your customers. I wonder if they give away plastic miniature AK 47s and Ouzis with their kids meals?  This gives a whole new meaning to the stomach bomb. “Hey waiter there’s a cartridge in my soup?”

He stands tall and proud, fully erect for at least four hundred years. Wow, that’s a long time. That’s even before Viagra. The giant Penis Man, also known as the Cerne Abbas Giant in Dorset, England is beginning to fade away. Due to an exceptionally wet start to the year and a lack of sheep, yes I said sheep, the 180 ft high landmark of a fully erect giant carrying a club is disappearing. It seems the giant has contracted a case of excessive moss and lichen growth which usually wandering flocks of sheep keep under control. Rob Rhodes, National Trust head warden for west Dorset, said: “Every year we have sheep on the hillside eating the grass to keep the giant visible. “We rely on local farmers and the way agriculture is going at the moment, there’s hardly any sheep left in that part of Dorset.” He added: “Because of the wet weather, there’s a lot of moss and lichen growing on the giant which has made the white chalk a greeny colour.” Well, that’s nasty to have growing around the testicles. The Trust is hoping to get a flock of sheep on the hillside as soon as possible. It usually borrows around 100 sheep for a few weeks in May and September to graze on the vegetation and keep the giant in shape. Doesn’t that mean that he then covered in sheep droppings? Walking to this ancient monument may not be pleasant. Mr Rhodes added: “The grass is now pretty much smothering the whole of the giant. He is not completely invisible but he is quite overgrown.”  Maybe some volunteers and a lawn mower might be a help. The first record of the sexually aroused giant, also called the Rude Man, is in 1694 and is a historically registered monument. No one knows how old he is and most believe he is an ancient symbol of fertility. It doesn’t take a scholar to figure that one out. He is rechalked every ten years and he is due for another this fall. Why wait? Screw the sheep and get out there and do something about it. Don’t want to interrupt your precious schedule?  Get some people and get out there and take care of business. 20 people, an afternoon, some beer and some munchies, shiny clean Penis Man. And no sheep dung. Trust me, your tourists will be much happier. Your Penis Man will stand erect and tall for all to see.

There are many things in the world that we could raise monuments to but the Enema? Yes, those wacky Russians are at it again by creating a 363-kilogram bronze syringe bulb held by three angels honoring the enema. It was unveiled Wednesday at the Mashuk-Akva Term spa in the Caucasus Mountains community of Zheleznovodsk. Spa director Alexander Kharchenko says there is “no kitsch or obscenity” involved. How about disgusting. Don’t these people have sports stars or something else they could immortalize in a monument? He calls the monument a “successful work of art” that pays tribute to what is “almost a symbol of our region.” You couldn’t have picked an animal or something to symbolize the neighborhood? An enima bulb? The area is known for dozens of spas where enemas with water from mineral springs are routinely administered to treat digestive and other complaints. OK, fine what you do in your spare time is your business, but I’m never eating there. A banner declaring: “Let’s beat constipation and sloppiness with enemas,” an allusion to a line from “The Twelve Chairs,” a famous Soviet film comedy, was posted on one of the spa’s walls. I thought enemas created a kind of sloppiness that most of us would rather not have to deal with. Now, get this, they paid $42,000 for this little bronze syringe with angels. That’s one artist that’s laughing all the way to the bank. Sculptor Svetlana Avakina said she designed the 1.52-metre-high monument with “irony and humour” and modelled the angels on those in works by Italian Renaissance painter Alessandro Botticelli. “This device is eternal, it will never change,” she said. “We could promote this brand, turn it into a franchise with souvenirs and awards for medical doctors.” There’s nothing like a little local promotion. I can see it now, “I went to Russia and all I got was this enema syringe” souvenirs. There’s nothing like stopping by for a personal lube job. “Hey, bend over, time to get your oil changed.”  The only award I want to give these medical doctors is the Quack award. Russian spas are off my list!

The newest crop of crop circles seem to be sending a message. This one is apparently from a math major. I have to admit this one took some work. It is very intricate and beautiful. The photo can be found on this page. Many have said that if extraterrestrials are trying to contact us, they would use math because it is a universal language. The circle, found near Barbury Castle, Wiltshire, England, in a barley field is approximately 150 feet in diameter. This would have taken a lot of work to get this done in one night. The complex pattern represents the first ten digits of  Pi: 3.141592654. Astrophysicist Mike Reed has said: “I noticed a photo of the Barbury Castle pattern. It shows a coded image representing the first ten digits of Pi - the ratio of the circumference of a circle to the diameter. The tenth digit has even been correctly rounded up. The little dot near the centre is the decimal point. The code is based on ten angular segments, with the radial jumps being the indicator of each segment,” OK, slow down. What does all that mean? I’ve had ex-wives that were less confusing. You turn a scientist loose and you can’t get them to make sense. Or maybe it’s too much sense for me to wrap my non-physics educated mind to wrap around. The point here, which has suddenly been lost in translation, is that someone has turned this mass of circles into a mathematical equation. The mathematical equation is Pi, which is the formula for finding the circumference of a circle which is being given to us by a series of circles even though we already know all this. What use is that? My head hurts. I need aspirin. This is worse than when my math teacher used to give me story problems. I hated those. They made my head hurt too. I’m going to go lie down now.